Monday, August 31, 2009

#7 Highlight of Trip to Portland

Finally understanding the positive implications of the phrase, "But it's a dry heat".

I in no way claim to be a wiz at mathematics, but I believed I was on solid ground in my belief that something as constant as a number, even the number 95, was equal in value whether referring to currency, cupcakes, or temperature. People in my neck of the country like to boast about our arid heat. I could never understand the allure. Give me a temperature in the nonagenarian range and I will be heading to the nearest planet endangering cooling system available.

Then I met Portland, Oregon in August. Imagine every surface of your body coated in a liquid layer of self-generated goo. While your ability to preform basic functions, such as wiping your delicately saturated brow, become slogged down to the the speed of a sloth on Prozac. There are many things to love, adore and relish about Portland, but a heatwave in August is not one of them. As the weather behaves in such a sensible way 95% of the year most of the general population of the city sees no need to have air conditioning, thus rendering it necessary to spend every evening at the movies.

As I walked about the city in my liquid coating, I was reminded of the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle story about the girl who refused to bath for so long she started sprouting radishes. It seemed like delightful, if somewhat distasteful, fantasy at the time. I am here to confirm that if I had stopped bathing, and was sprinkled with the seeds of quick sprouting vegetation while swimming in my layer of sogginess, there is little doubt germination would occur.


  1. I'm enjoying these short, episodic entries of your trip. Very funny. And having lived in Maryland for several years, I also appreciate dry heat.

  2. Thanks, Matt. I really thought they would be of no interest to anyone but myself. I can hardly get the daughter to look and she lived them. I just bet you can't wait to get up in the morning and see what's next.

  3. Now I'm happy I wasn't there with you... Yuck! Gary